Intelligence officials worry that some galaxies have succumbed to al-Qaeda's ideology
There are growing fears that Islamic fundamentalists have seized control of the Andromeda galaxy and are preparing it for a spectacular suicide mission. “We have reliable intelligence that Andromeda is racing towards the Milky Way at the mind-boggling speed of 500,000 kms per hour”, claimed an unnamed source at the Pentagon. “That means that Andromeda will collide with the Milky Way in approximately 2 billion years from now.”
The White House is pleading for additional emergency defense funds in anticipation of the present military surge in Iraq lasting well beyond the collision. “Democracy takes a long time build”, explained the Warlord-in-Chief George W. Bush in a video conference from a nuclear bunker. “Our commitment to Iraq and Afghanistan is unshakeable and precludes any troop redeployment during this time-frame. I’m afraid we are going to have to dig deep into our pockets and our neighbours pockets and our kids piggy banks and their college funds to confront this new menace”. Bush added that “Andromeda must not allow itself to become a haven for inter-galactic terrorism” and insisted that the Andromedan authorities move quickly to dismantle all terrorist networks, adopt free-market legislation and recognize the state of Israel as a pre-condition for normalization of relations with the Milky Way. “Andromeda must take concrete steps to prove that it respects Israel’s right to exist.”
Aspiring WiC candidate John "Maybe 3 Billion Years" McCain praised Bush's commitment to war in the Middle East but went a step further calling upon the White House to break off all relations with other galaxies that fail to condemn Andromeda. “We must teach the universe that there is a price to be paid for appeasing Andromeda”, snarled McCain before throwing a punch at a bewildered passer-by for looking insufficiently patriotic. McCain is widely credited with the administration's current Rogue Galaxy Rollback strategy and is a co-sponsor of the Andromeda Liberation Act which is expected to sail through the Council of Yes-men and become law sometime next week. The bill is the brainchild of the Project for an American Milky Way which shares office space with McCain.
Speaking at a Mossad fund-raiser in New York, visiting former British prime minister Tony Blair was in little doubt as to the consequences of Andromedan belligerence, “Andromeda will find us united in our determination to thwart any attempt to impose its barbaric values on Milky Way civilization. To the Andromedans I say this – good will triumph over evil.”
Some former military officers, however, have spoken out against the White House’s approach describing it as “unimaginative and unproductive”. One retired warlord stated that, “there appears to be no strategy for winning the hearts and minds of the Andromedans or any of their organs for that matter.”
The Campaign for the Release of all Hubble Space Telescope Scientists from Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo issued a press release dismissing the supposed threat from Andromeda as “science fiction along the lines of Saddam Hussein’s WMDs” noting that both galaxies are “racing towards each other”.
Neither Osama bin Laden nor the Andromedan ambassador could be reached for comment.
